Misgivings

I've had a few misgiving lately. Misgivings about life, motherhood, friendship and whatever else my conscience wanted to throw in the mix. Needless to say, that may be why the posts have been slow. Have you ever felt like you were walking a tightrope...balancing the many areas of your life and when one side got a little heavy, you began to tilt that way? I just don't tilt, I fall over. "My plate is full, thank you." "I'm closing that window", I claim. My smart momma taught my those sayings...and I love using them.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our move to Ohio. I cried...ok, maybe I bawled. I had a nice little pity party for myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I have adjusted nicely, much to the amusement of the bathroom scale. I have found such comfort in the empty calories of my large cokes and powdered donuts. I miss the weather..the ever hint and tease of Spring right around the corner. I miss the "newness" of the buildings, the stores, the restaurants. I miss going to Bruester's for a cone in the evening. I miss eating sushi at Joel's and a pie at Brooklyn Boys. I miss going for pedi's with the girls. Most of all, I miss the many people and smiling faces who got me through one of the toughest times of my life. Maybe that is why I still mourn the move. Just knowing that no matter what, a door was open, a ear would listen, a heart would feel.
Today I took Sis Margaret to breakfast with parents at her preschool. I walked in, smile on my face and was met with just stares. I could feel the stares as I walked around the room. One lady was going through her receipts as her little girl played nearby. I saw one was from Dillard's. If she could only see my wallet of receipts. No Dillard's here...only Big Lots and Walmart(the majority of those were returns) It just struck me that people just don't know how to smile or even make small talk. Maybe they are comfortable with who they are. They already have friends and aquaintances. They are not needing to make the effort to get to know anyone else. It was painfully uncomfortable...and I'm even fairly outgoing. I got in the car and called AML right away. She was having a day too and I know she longed to be in NY with old friends. I longed to be back on Cloister Lane. I have made some friends here, mostly thanks to my church, but even there it's as if people already have all they need. Why can't I be content with just being by myself, just absorbing all the love of my children and husband? I know that is not healthy and that's why I continue to try and meet new people without seeming desperate. I don't want to come across as a Debbie Downer but it's been a year..something has to give. After moving five times in ten years, I'm tired...I'm done.
I'm really hoping that the next year I will continue to be blessed with happy and healthy children and a husband who has a job and loves me. In the scheme of things, I'm not that bad of a person to be stuck with as a friend. I guess I can always have a lunch date with a coke and bag of powdered donuts :)