Waiting

The kids waited and waited for the arrival of their Ma & Pa who came to visit. My dad's surgery is scheduled a week from today, so they graced us with their presence for a few days. I just love this pic of Sis Margaret waiting for them to arrive.

Trying Silence

I am trying.

Trying to be silent.

Trying to listen.

Trying to let Him speak to me.

Trying to calm the "noise" of my life.

I am amazed of the many things He has spoken to me.

I think I will be quiet a little longer & remain in this silence.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

I Wish You a Blessed Day

I have two and a half hours, three days a week, while Sis Margaret is at school. I have good intentions to go to Starbucks or Carribou and sit with a good book, a latte and most of my sanity. Unfortunately, the reality of being a mom of three, with more obligations than I can juggle, catch up with me. This time is more appropriately spent rushing to get milk and bread, run to the bank, calm the family "Daily Drama", etc. Therefore, my mind is spread over a million places just reaffirming I am alive and "normal" in this world of "normal".

It was truck day at TJ Maxx, so I had to just take a sneak peek to see if any new goodies arrived. I was ready to pull out of the parking lot into another lot and proceeded to turn left. The minute I did, a huge pick-up truck came barreling around the corner...out of nowhere. Trust me when I say I am a excellent driver :) Let's just say he wasn't very pleased with my choice of timing. As I made my other turn into the parking lot, his two middle fingers shot up quicker than a game of fast draw. He was sure to let me know he was very angry.

Oftentimes, the rage of having red hair would come out and I would politely reply back with my own form of insult along with a little prayer that he would have uncontrollable diarrhea(my mom taught me that one)! Thanks Mom! Instead, I was so overwhelmed with anger , I pulled over and cried. Now, this man could have cared less that his quick reaction would draw such a dramatic reaction from a girl like myself, but it did. He continued into the Walmart parking lot and continued about his day...probably never giving it much thought again that he affected me emotionally like he did.

The point I am trying to make isn't that I was a big cry baby because someone hurt my feelings, but it is to recognize that every single interaction that you have with people on a daily basis can be construed in a certain way. How you react to the elderly lady in the grocery line writing a check, or the sales clerk who didn't ring up your discount correctly can mean so much. We don't have a telepathic way of knowing what someone might be going through outside of that situation. The man in the truck didn't know that I had closed a few windows, that my dad had cancer, that I am in still awaiting news on a huge family changing event. He didn't know that his lovingly gesture would send me over the edge. So, as you go about your day, be aware how you react to those around you. Say a little prayer for them. Wish them a blessed day.

btw...I must be honest. I did wish the truck driver a bad case of diarrhea, but with a bathroom and a bottle of Imodium nearby. I also did it in the form of prayer, with a blessing of a good day. Does that count?

I Heart Thee

Warning...this post has little sentimental value. No deep thoughts or life discoveries. Just a wish now that Fall has arrived on my doorstep. I want to take a walk among the oak leaves and acorns, sipping my pumpkin spice latte, wearing these! The Second Annual Consumption Crackdown may have to take a rest for a week so my feet can find a new home in this pair of lovelies. Welcome Autumn!

May I Suggest

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift."

-Shauna Niequist
Cold Tangerines

The Window & The Plate

My plate is full.

I'm closing the window.

These are just a few of the sayings that my dear friend AML and I share. If you say them often enough, you begin to follow the mantras. I have found it difficult to not just say them, but follow through living them out day to day.

Oftentimes as women, we have this "thought" that we must take on so much in order to achieve success or have others see success in us. I fall into this trap, oftentimes it seems like the trap won't let us out of its nasty gashing teeth. My blog friend Malisa, described it recently in one of her posts as "the cliff's edge". I found this to be so relational. Her lovely husband rescued her from the edge. I silently rejoiced alongside her.

I'm still waiting on my rescue squad.

I was sitting outside Sarah's music class chatting with another mother. She asked what activities my boys were in this season. When I said that they weren't participating in anything but school and a Wednesday night bible study, it looked as if all life had left her body. It felt great to say that we were doing "nothing" for a while.

With The Hubby traveling once again, I have made the decision to just slow down. Empower myself to say "no" when asked to help out(a quality that I have been blessed/cursed with). Not because my heart doesn't care to help out when needed, but rather at this time of my life, I have found it necessary to slow down.

I encourage each of you to "close the window" or tell someone lovingly that your "plate is full". Slow down and enjoy the process. Slow down and enjoy the life and the people in it that you love. Maybe sometime soon my window will will be cracked open just a little. I have a feeling it will just be to allow some of the crisp Autumn air come into our home.

This & That

The view out my kitchen window in the morning...how beautiful it is!


My wonderful next door neighbor delivered these to me today. We babysat her granddaughter last weekend and she kindly repaid us with this lovely arrangement.


You know how much I love monograms. Check this one out...my 15 year old nephew, Trey, had custom Nike's made(size 13). He had his initials put on one shoe and III put on the other (His full name: Tony Gene Zentz III) Very Cool!


We spent the weekend with my lovely sis and her dashing dude. It is always a jam packed weekend full of fun. Aren't they adorable?!


After the older boys got home from the Notre Dame game, they played flag football. Sis Margaret got in on the action.


We were thrilled that my mom and dad joined us for the night. My dad made a batch of his famous pimento & cheese spread. You can never have enough!

A Song

I have been finding so much comfort in the lyrics of songs lately. Today was a difficult day, yet a day that was filled with comfort and hope. This morning I was able to join together with many ladies of the Toledo area as my Bible Study began. I found so much comfort in these ladies last year...I find that I need other women of faith surrounding me to help keep me accountable...I am after all, human. This years class is full of such wonderful women of God!

This afternoon, I received a call from my mom that a dear friend of our family had suffered a stroke. I thought about how weeks earlier this couple sat with my parents and our family as we struggled to make sense of my dad's diagnosis. This is what good friends do...support, love & life up in prayer. Friends that you consider family. My prayers and the prayers of many go out to the Hammond Family during this time.

Trav & I continue to pray about where He may lead us to go. There are difficult decisions to be made, especially when you are also dealing with a parent who is ill. Yet, we feel confident as a couple and as a family that He is in control. He will carry us along the way. A reminder that wakes me every single morning...why am I searching when YOU hold all the answers. A comfort that I find in the lyrics of a song.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

"By Your Side"
Tenth Avenue North

If we left it up to him...

If we left it up to CEP, we would be competing against the Duggar Family who are expecting baby number 19! Nineteen children...more caffeine..STAT! I am in awe of the way this family can function. I struggle keeping up with the laundry and school papers of three children.

I am a big fan of babies...much to the chagrin of family members and strangers. There is always an undertone in their comments, "you certainly have your hands full as it is" or "I think three is a good number for you". No worries, The Hubby and I aren't planning on expanding our family(just yet) but if we left it up to CEP, we would have a new little bundle on his way(note the gender preference). We have told CEP to leave the baby planning to God and the economy.

p.s. Note how our darling CEP is now spelling his name at school "Clay'n".
Lovely(note the sarcasm)

On This Day

***On this day, September 11, 2009, I am re-posting my post from last year. The message remains the same...May We Never Forget

It all began with a phone call from my sister. I will never forget the sound of her voice. The fear, the concern, the confusion. Everything she was telling me was so sureal. I began to wonder if I was still sleeping. I looked over to the other side of the bed to notice Trav had already left for work and Jack was still sleeping soundly on my pillow. How could it be? What is going on? I felt disoriented & confused. A warm feeling shot through the veins of my body...I didn't know if it was fear or adrenaline. I picked Jack up and ran throughout the house turning on all the forms of communication I could find. I knew at that moment, all innocence had been lost. I cried. I cried for the feeling of being out of control. I cried for the fear of the unknown . I cried for all of those innocent people who went to work. I cried for all the children who no longer had parents. I cried for those whose efforts to help were ceased. I cried because at that very moment, I knew the world would never be the same for myself or my children. We were and still are so vulnerable. May God bless those who sacrificed so much that day. May God bless all of us who are left behind. May God continue to protect and hold us close.

Make A Note

This is why I no longer buy post-it notes!
I don't need a reminder of my to do list...the mess speaks for itself!

Pumpkin Ice Cream & My Lovely Thighs

I was recently told by a certain someone that my blog posts were sad and somewhat depressing. I tried to educate this certain someone that a blog is just one's personal thoughts...a journal of sorts. My journal is open to all to read, no lock on my diary. So, I thought that this recent "breaking news story" could make us all laugh. Looks like I have a long life ahead of me!

My day was made, and I can now carry on after reading the article...off to eat some pumpkin ice cream(thanks Nana Barb)!

Forge On!

My brain isn't working. I really don't have any profound thoughts at the moment. I write this post while sitting on my parents couch. The call came last night around midnight. We wouldn't have known that my mom was going into surgery if it hadn't been for my sister calling them and "catching them in the act" of sitting in the emergency room.

Long story short (I'm exhausted..so it will be short)..they called in the surgical team and after doing a scan they operated on my mom, removing over 18 inches of her colon and intestine. She will have another surgery to reconnect all her plumbing.(she will have my head when she finds out I blogged this)

I don't remember driving to the hospital this morning. A three hour trip took over four. Thirty of those minutes were spent at a McDonald's in Huntington, Indiana. Really, how much more can we take. "Okay, spiritual warfare spirits..Bring It On! We will fight this just like we have fought every other battle you have put us through." I sat in the parking lot and cried..said a few choice words..and collected myself before driving on. Forge on...I think this may become a motto of mine.

The chemo and radiation doctor told my dad to "forge on" when his cell count came back too low to continue treatment this week. That's what we shall do, as a family. We will forge on, once again overcoming any obstacle that comes our way. Of course, we won't do it alone. He is walking alongside us...my Savior, that is.

P.S. a big shout-out to my dad who followed in his youngest daughters footsteps when it comes having his voice heard. My dashing dad sent an email to Ms. Rachel Maddow of MSNBC. She has no idea who she is up against..lol! I think fatigue is setting in...I had better close for now before I get myself in trouble.
Night, loves!

Making Moments

Today's daydream started early. I was curled up in the office chair, hands wrapped around my favorite mug full of coffee...more flavored cream than coffee, please. My music played, devotional in hand, fountain trickling. I haven't had one of these mornings in a long time. It was the second day of school for the boys, too. I huge feat that I fell back into my comfy cocoon so soon after the summer vacation had come to an end. Looking out the window, I tricked myself into thinking it was cool outside. Those Indian summer days that I so lovingly adore. Time to get back in the groove, albeit a new groove...a new normal.

We visited my mom and dad this past weekend. We had a lovely time. Ice tea on the porch. Sweet corn at every meal...Indiana sweet corn can only be rivaled by that of Iowa's...or so I have been told by Mrs. Roe. Dad is halfway though treatment and visited the surgeon yesterday. Looking ahead, we may be looking at surgery in mid October. Every single day is another blessing..another day to make a memory that could possible sustain us for a while.

The boys were anxious to start school again. This anxiety was met with some relief, I believe. Their summer break was turned upside down, but they rallied and concluded it with a day "of doing nothing". When asked what they did this summer, they matter of fact stated that they spent the summer with their grandparents.."making memories". I prefer "making moments"...don't you?

So, today's daydream must come to an end. It is now time to go back and read some more. On today's agenda...being intentional in all I do. Being intentional and making moments...one at a time.

Numbered Squares

Thirty days has September, April, June and November. I love my calendar. Crazy thing to love, eh? Although lately I have been ignoring it. Ignoring future dates. Ignoring the beginning of school for the kids. Ignoring open houses. Ignoring the planning of Little New Neighbors activities..likely to get fired from the board. Ignoring deadlines for the Women's Christmas Celebration at church. Another one...can you be fired from a church committee? Ignoring calls from friends wanting to catch up. It's not that I don't want to do these things, but rather the thought of normalcy is so foreign to me right now. It has taken on the role of a stranger. "Hello, panic! You're back...you can leave at any time...I need to focus".

I don't want to think about days...my futile attempts to fill in the numbered squares. Guilt sets in. Guilt stemming from the fact that as I write this, my dad sits at home. I wonder if he hears ticking..ticking of a clock. There is silence. No noise from the grandkids running around. You see, we all had to come back home to regroup. This is something that I am not dealing with very well. He is at home seeking treatment, but the treatment is aggressive and has already taken its toll on his body. It is so sad that the medication to ease the pain has side effects that are just as bad or worse as the cancer.

Trav caught me looking at one of many websites that help patients and caregivers cope. I have met some dynamic people with their own stories of pain and joy. The sad thing is, there are very few, if no stories of survival. I responded to a post from a man whose mother had the same symptoms and diagnosis as my dad. I wrote to him seeking some additional info on her course of action. It was while I was sitting in an auditorium last week at the 2009 Leadership Summit that my phone began to blink. It was the kindest note from him. As I began to read the note, I could feel the "feeling" rising up in my throat. I knew what he was going to say next...his mom had passed away in June. I sat in my seat, tears running down my cheek, surrounded by friends and colleagues who couldn't tell the difference...if my tears were those of sadness for this man...my dad...or the poverty crisis this world is facing. I wanted to scream out, "I can't deal with my own crisis". There are so many with similar stories...I am just one of the numbers. I want my story to be in the forefront. My loved one is suffering. My loved one is dying. I am experiencing guilt. Tough words of honesty. Hard enough to type them, let alone say them aloud.

My dear friend JM told me this morning that I am going to have to let it all out. I have to feel the anger and sadness and it's okay to do so. I thought I had already done so, but now feelings of guilt are creeping up. Guilt felt from not being there with my parents right now. Guilt about trying to figure out some major things for my immediate family. Guilt about feeling withdrawn from the kids and Trav.

I'm a planner..wanna be spontaneous gal. This life experience isn't something that fits in the numbered squares on my calendar. I think if I just forgo the calendar for a while, I will be able to fill my days with more meaningful tasks. Tasks that are fitting to a mom, wife, daughter, friend and child of God. That's one thing I can plan on.

Purpose

One individual life may be priceless to God's purposes,
and yours may be that life!

-Oswald Chambers

When In Rome...

Lately I have been thinking about many of our family adventures. I laugh when I recall our family holiday in Italy. One that didn't begin as smoothly as we had expected, but ended being a wonderful time spent with my parents and siblings.

Let me take you back in time...

Date: September 11, 2005
Location: Italy
Participants: Mom & Dad, my two sisters and my brother
Reason: Reaping the benefit of living like no one else so we could live like no one else

It all began simple enough. The spouses and babysitters were in place for my sister and I. Living in Charlotte at the time, we flew to Atlanta to meet my parents and brother flying in from Indy and my other sister in from Orlando. We had abandoned all of the out-laws to enjoy some time together...just the five of us. The Zentz Five.

We all met in Atlanta and were a little nervous being the anniversary of 9/11. My mother had listened to countless hours on tape on meditation and overcoming your fear of flying. She was a tad bit medicated as she stepped on board the plane. We knew that if my mom was going to make the flight, we all had to. We travelled with our dear family friend Manuela who was born and raised in Italy, and was part of the cabin crew for that flight. We were fortunate enough(well, all of us but my brother and I) to be seated in business class. The two of us were seated in the next row beyond "the curtain". As we prepared for take off, the attendant noticed that the seat next to my dad was available. I didn't hesitate for a second, stumbling with my carry on to make myself comfy next to my dad.

My dad and I talked throughout the first two hours of the flight, spending time watching the one-board GPS tracking of the plane. We noticed the attendants, followed by one of the co-pilots pass by us several times. It turned out my brother and his fellow seatmates heard a knocking coming from the floor below. When a knock was done in a pattern, the knock from below repeated the pattern. Back up front, we noticed on the GPS that the plane had made a sudden turn, traveling back towards the US. The captain came on and told us that we were going to have to make an emergency landing for undisclosed reasons in Jacksonville, Florida. Two hours since take-off we suddenly found ourselves in a little state of panic. We approached the airport in Jacksonville only to be met by emergency vehicles, police vehicles, the SWAT team, several dogs and lots of ammunition. We were all taken off the plane, several questioned by the SWAT team and Homeland Security, and all huddled into a emptied area of the airport.
Then we sat...and waited
and waited
and waited.
Many decided not to finish the flight due to the "undisclosed" reason for our return. We all looked to our mom...I mean if she was brave enough to get back on the plane after all of that, who was I to bail on the family. Hours later we were allowed back on the plane and we set out on our trip. They apologized for the delay, wanting to be "better safe than sorry" yet failed to tell us the main reason for the return. When I called The Hubby from my cell phone, he panicked. He saw my number come up on caller ID and immediately thought the worst. He still talks of that moment with anxiety in his voice.
Thanks to our friend, Manuela, we were able to find out that here had been a
stow-away in the landing gear of the jet. He was able to "knock" loud enough to alert us, but due to the air temp and pressure, probably met his demise somewhere over the Atlantic as we landed back in Florida. So, despite the drama that always seems to follow the Zentz family, we regrouped and spent time in Venice, Florence and Rome. Seeing all the sights and eating the most delicious and flavorful food one could imagine.

I remember while at The Vatican, we entered St Peters. I was blown away by its immense presence. Having studied the art of Italy extensively in college, I was in heaven actually seeing it in person. I remember praying...praying at that time that I would once again become pregnant. An odd request for some, but my prayers were answered when I returned home to find out we were indeed expecting.(the gelato man was nice, but not that nice. sis margaret is 100% The Hubby). As I took the challenge to climb to the top of the duomo of St. Peters(a hefty feat for some), I stood overlooking the city of Rome. Nothing could be wrong in the world at that moment.
It was beautiful,
wonderful,
majestic,
awe inspiring,
my Lord's creation.

If only...if only I had known that the happenings of the past two months had already been planned. Would I have prayed any different? Would I have looked at my mom and dad with a different set of eyes as I watched them talk while dining in St. Mark's Square? Would we have sat a little longer at the cafe drinking our daily Cafe Americano? Would we have gotten upset when Cameron got us lost walking down the winding streets of Venice? Would I have left my LIVESTRONG bracelet on the altar of St. Peter's in honor of my dad? Would we have laughed a little more as we struggled with our suitcases on the LONG trek to our hotel in Milan?

Would we have just seized and totally surrendered to every single moment of that trip as if it was our last? How I wish we had.

Someday...and I truly mean this...someday, we will all get on a plane again and do it all over again. Not differently, just again...wherein making so many more memories together. Only my prayer at St. Peter's will be different. This time it would be for more time...more time with my Dad.

Inventions

The dinner conversation started out normal. Well, normal for us anyways. Some would find our family dinner rituals to be uncouth. While I would like for our table to resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, it couldn't be any further from the truth. The boys do take turns setting the table, I prepare something that didn't walk the face of the Earth and we give thanks(usually in the form of a song)for our food. That's when all things normal cease to exist. The conversation takes a turn fairly early in the meal. Oftentimes, leading one to believe my children we born in a barn. Two of them were born in Kentucky...does that count? I digress.

It was during a rare moment of silence when JWP spoke up. "I don't think we ever need to invent anything else because I feel pretty good about my life." While others might find this to be an odd observation from a child, you have to know JWP. We then had a surprisingly intelligent conversation about this topic. It was then JWP took back his thought, "well, I guess it would be cool if they could invent something to cure cancer". My heart skipped a beat. The thoughts began to flood my mind. I had put a lot of the past two months on the shelf to be dealt with at a later time. I have wondered myself if they would ever come up with a cure. I mean certainly the victims of this horrific disease would be happy, but what about the pharmaceutical companies that make millions from their illness...I think not. It was then that our dear CEP spoke up and said, "well, if they did find a cure, maybe they could also find a cure for men with hairy stomachs". I looked over at The Hubby and in that moment we couldn't have been any more proud of our boy!!

We are trying to keep it light around here in the midst of the sadness. How fortunate we are to have the minds of little ones to distract us from all the chaos. I can keep the past few months on the shelf a little longer and instead try to replicate being the "Modern Day" Norman Rockwell family!

small & simple

In case you wondered...we are doing just fine. Thanks mostly to these three blessings! Each day brings new surprises, lots of laughs and memory making opportunities. My blessings are bountiful at this moment. I'm embracing this feeling with all I have, nervous that it will escape. It's the small and simple moments in life that mean the most to me right now. Small and simple...yet in the end...grand!

Humble Abode

Ahh...I'm going home. I cannot express the range of emotions that I am going through. I do believe that this time around, I am ready to go. I am exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and financially! It has been a wonderful time spent with my parents, a time I wouldn't give up for the world. Yet, I am so anxious to walk into the doors of my own home. I've missed my lovely neighbor and friend Julie and her offers of a cup of compassion, aka a hot latte. I miss my flowers/weeds on my deck that I potted before all this happened. I miss hearing the kids laugh outside running across the golf course. I miss my visits from Scot and Cheryl and family...can't wait to see my newly constructed laundry room..wink! I miss my wonderful support from my friends at Westgate. They have been my life line the past two months...a line that sometimes in the midst of chaos gets neglected. I miss my friendly drive-thru girl, Danae who serves me my daily morning concoction. I miss sitting in the office watching The Hubby drive in from work. I miss just "being". In all of this there was no sense of routine, something that I crave. I have lived in many houses, but desperately and longingly call my house in Ohio..HOME!


On a side note...many have asked about my dad. He is doing as well as can be expected. He saw two oncologists this week and will hopefully be starting chemo and radiation this week. We also visited the surgeon who finally took his feeding tube out and reopened his wounds. A huge relief for dad. They are hoping that in approximately 12 weeks, they can go back in and try and remove the tumor on the portal vein and pancreas. They will also attempt to remove some of the affected lymph nodes. It is our hope that this surgery can be successful and that the continuation of the chemo will keep it from spreading elsewhere in the blood or organs. He is in good spirits and looks well. In a conversation with Cameron this past week, he said while he didn't understand why this happened to him, he would never change it, because the past six weeks spent with everyone who means so much to him has been beautiful.
Beautiful indeed...